How to maneuver the Tony Awards alone with BPD.

In the honor of Tony Award Day, I’m going to share with you guys what it was like going to the Academy Awards of Broadway solo and with BPD.

Yup. Last year I did a lot of traveling. #Grateful. And I did a lot of it before July. For those of you who don’t know me well, July is where I took a turn for the worst. But, more on that another time.

Last May, I went to NYC myself for the first time. What was my main purpose for that trip? To see Anastasia on Broadway. Yeah, I have a huge love affair with Broadway, and it used to be my dream. However, I don’t have proper dance or song training, so I was going to settle for social media marketing. Well, between then and now, that’s changed. Again, we will address that later.

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Anyway, Anastasia on Broadway did NOT disappoint. I’ve seen quite a many Broadway shows in New York City, and this one is one of the most visually stunning I have ever seen. The costumes alone left me speechless and drooling. I met up with a friend while I was in New York and she saw it with me.


Can I also slide in here that Ramin Karimloo is delicious?


Did you get his autograph, Brittany? Hell yeah I DID!

So backtracking a little before this trip, the Tony Nominations happened. They are always at the beginning of May and since I was hoping Anastasia was going to be nominated and I was a fan of all the shows during that season, I intently watched who was nominated for what. Color me surprised when at the end of the broadcast it said how tickets to the Tony’s would be on sale about an hour later.

Oh.My.Gawd. I freaked out. Looked at my bank account and literally said YOLO. I ran to my moms desk and asked if she wanted to go with me, she declined, and when they went on sale, I DID NOT HESITATE.

I got my ticket to the Tony Awards. I GOT MY TICKET TO THE TONY AWARDS.

That was such an impulsive buy and I literally did not care. I basically crawled under my mom’s desk and cried of excitement. This was it. I dream come true. <– this was all a BPD moment. In the matter of 10 minutes I had my ticket and was so overcome with too much emotion I literally went under my mom’s desk and cried. 

So, at this time I was obsessed with Jake Gyllenhaal. He was on Broadway during that season, so I assumed he was going to be there. I had to look my absolute best. I had to be the best looking commoner in the world. Now, queue anxiety. When I REALLY want something, I get full of anxiety and depression at the same time. Why? Because, I’m afraid I’m going to miss out on something. There is so much that goes on that I don’t know about and I knew I would miss something and it freaked me out. I literally convinced myself that I was good enough to get Jake Gyllenhaal. #delusional. You can all collectively laugh now. Trust me, I had enough people at that time put me down or give me that look of, “you’re crazy,” when I said something. But, I had genuine hope.

After I bought my ticket, it took me forever to find my dress, but I did find it and I thought it was perfect. I was like, “yeah, I’m totally going to stand out amongst the people when they walk along the red carpet. I got this.” Ugh, little did I know what was going to happen at that point.

So, the time came to get on my train and head to NYC. I was so excited. Once again, I was free. Now, I know NYC better than I know my home city, so it feels like home. I felt relaxed waiting for my train because I knew I was going home. Even if it was for a little while. But, I didn’t want to think about returning at that moment. I still had the Tony Awards!

I arrive in NYC Penn Station with a purpose. Basically, it was to find my hotel because my butt hurt from the 6 hour train ride. I stayed at the Hyatt near Herald Square. It was quant and cute, but I was instantly anxious because I’m more comfortable in Times Square. I know my way around there better, I know where Radio City Music Hall is from there, and it’s just overall comfortable. In Herald Square, I basically know where the Victoria’s Secret is and that’s it. So, I make that my point of direction. However, it didn’t take long for me to find my way around the area at all.

As we all know, NYC is crowded. Like, super crowded. I didn’t realize until then that crowds were making me more panicky. Here I am alone in NYC and I’m starting to panic in the middle of a sidewalk. Not only am I beginning to panic, I’m getting paranoid. I get paranoid that everyone is looking at only me. “Oh my god, I know I’m disgusting, please stop looking at me. That guy over there is so hot, he thinks I’m fat and gross, I know it. I can’t stand this, I’m going back to the hotel.”

And that’s what I did. I would go back to the hotel. I convinced my mind it was to “rest my feet” for the awards, but it was really because I couldn’t be around people. Right by my hotel was something similar to a food truck weekend. Everything looked so good and yummy and was full of culturally diverse food. However, it was so busy and I was so self conscious, I didn’t go. To be honest, my main meals all weekend were coffee.

The mind is a powerful thing. In my case, it wasn’t a good thing.

I had wanted to go all out for this occasion. I had made an appointment to get my hair and makeup done. Aaaaand, I didn’t go. I ended up doing my own. Basically, I didn’t want to leave my hotel. What they were playing on Animal Planet was really good. Besides, the end product didn’t come out that bad.


Now, that look just had to remain that way until the next day. Which, I also had to change hotels the next day and walk in the heat. So, I basically used a WHOLE can of hairspray and slept sitting up. Jake was ‘waiting.’

The next morning I got up and checked into my next hotel, which was halfway between Times Square and Radio City Music Hall. Needless to say, I felt less anxious. So, I made my way to RCMH to check out where I was going to make my debut. IMG_7993.JPG

Yeah, I missed Tony rehearsal. I didn’t even know it was a thing! So, strike one to the anxiety train. *toot toot* I was even up super early and could’ve waited in line, but I didn’t know it was a thing. I instantly was like OMG did I miss Jake? So, I sauntered back to my hotel, defeated and stayed in the AC until it was basically show time.

So, here are some things to remember if you are going to the Tony Awards or ANY awards show and you have to wait in line.

  1. Do NOT wear a corset in 90 degree weather under a long ‘ballgown.’
  2. Get a big enough fancy purse that can hold your shoes and flip flops
  3. Go to a nearby Wal-greens or ANYWHERE and get a bottle of WATER

I did the opposite of the list above and basically almost died. I looked good though.


I was so ready for Jake. I even had the surprise face down when he asked me to marry him right there on the spot.

Not gonna lie, this dress made me feel fierce. Like Sasha Fierce. I went downstairs to the hotel lobby to wait for my Uber and all eyes were on me. Only, this time I didn’t feel paranoia. I didn’t even feel like me to be honest. I felt like I could make up a story about who I was. I could be anyone I wanted to be that night. And I let the eyes stare.

So, Uber in NYC, especially on 8th Avenue is something else. Here I am, looking stunning and you’re going to make me walk down 8th Avenue to find you? No, no, no, no. Ugh, but I did it anyway. However, this guy had the same car as basically EVERY OTHER CAR ON THE STREET. So, after literally 15 minutes of trying to find him, he just peaced out. I was sweating, worried about my hair, and not happy. I knew it would be hard to find anyone to get me near Radio City because of the awards, so I tried a cab.

Good thing the dress had a slit and you bet I used it to my advantage. I got a cab quick. But traffic was AWFUL. So, he dropped me off as close to Radio City as he could and I had to walk the rest of the way. Newsflash- my feet already hurt. GREAT.

On my trek, I got so many compliments on my dress. So many questions. “Are you going to the Tony Awards?” Noooo…I’m going to the bathroom? Anyway, I finally reach Radio City and I see barriers everywhere. I look for the red carpet because that’s my goal and I see it blocked off. Instant panic. No, no, no, no, no. I need to see Jake. This is ruining my plan. Everything I’ve been dreaming about. I ask a police officer near me if I can go near the red carpet and he proceeds to tell me that only red carpet pass holders can go that close. THAT’S  A THING?! HOW ON EARTH DO YOU GET THAT?!

So, I’m then led to the back of the building to where I have to stand in line, (I’m the first one by the way,) and I don’t see anything. All I see is the wall. This is when I meet the most fabulous person ever. He’s just as mad as I am that we can’t go near the red carpet but he and I team up and figure we will do whatever we can to get by.

What do we do? Pretend we are VIP in attempt to trick the cops. It doesn’t work… we were super close at one point. So close but no cigar. Instead, we ended up with this view. IMG_8059.JPG

Ants. They all looked like ants. We heard people cheering but didn’t know who they were. At this point, my feet were already dead. I was burning up thanks to my corset and was about to pass out with the need for water. The guy at the front door of Radio City and I were joking around about how I was about to pass out because I needed water. He thought it was so funny. In reality, I was serious.

The doors finally opened and my new friend and I made our way to get water. BLESSS. As I was purchasing water, I actually had someone ask me if I was one of the actresses nominated. I think I said yes and walked away quickly before he could ask more details. That was an honor.

Our seats were basically in the nosebleed section but I didn’t care. I was at the Tonys! IMG_8175.JPG

Please excuse the poor quality pics from this point on. Like I said, I was in the nosebleed.

As celebrities started to arrive, I utilized my 20/20 vision and tried to look for Jake. I even googled while in my seat if he was supposed to be there. I couldn’t find him. Yeah, I got depressed. It was bubbling underneath the surface despite how excited I was. As I always say, hope is an adrenaline rush of disappointment.

Before the show starts for the world to see, the lesser known awards are given out. They also did the Lifetime Achievement Award for James Earl Jones. That’s right. I saw Mufasa in the flesh!


The show started and it was amazing. Someone that was there that I was so surprised about was Uma Thurman… Like where had she been all these years?


At the end of the show, everyone filed out. So many limos lined the streets and I fought within myself if I should wait with the huge crowd of people and see if Jake actually was there, or just go with my gut and admit my defeat and go back to my hotel. I went with the latter.

I got back to my hotel and the sadness really sunk in. The whole event was over. Back to reality and no Jake. I felt so stupid for even thinking such a thing was real. I let everyone’s negativity flow through me. They were right. And the next morning I had to go back home. A place that was my home but didn’t actually feel like home.

Leaving is always the hardest part.

Borderline takeaways-

  • Don’t go to an awards show anticipating to meet anyone, it will only ruin your mood.
  • Try and understand that you’re going to a big city and when you think people are staring at you, they aren’t.
  • And literally, have the mantra YOLO.

It’s all so much easier said than done, because I can give advice but I can’t take it.

Now, don’t get me wrong. This was an amazing opportunity and experience and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. However, BPD takes it’s job very seriously when it wants to ruin your happiness. The night it was over I felt so anxious. I knew I was missing so much. I wanted to be invited to an after party, but my mind is cruel and told me that no one would ever invite me to one. I am a nobody after all. Despite my experience, My borderline monster made me cry myself to sleep that night.

It is totally possible to travel solo to NYC though and go to an awards show. Trust me, if I did it, you can too.

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