If you’re reading this post, you may have already read the ‘About Me’ page. If not, well… go read it.
Patient No. 24601
Age: 27 (on Saturday, May 12, 2018)
Diagnosis: Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, OCD, and Borderline Personality Disorder.
Diagnosed: BPD in late January 2017,(self-diagnosis-confirmed through Psychologist), all others in 2015
Self-diagnosed? Funny story. I literally self-diagnosed myself as borderline from an episode of Law and Order: SVU. Not Kidding. The murderer was a psychiatrist, (ironic), with narcissistic personality disorder and as they were reading off her symptoms, I was like, ‘Holy cow, that’s me, but I’m not that self-absorbed. I’m actually the opposite.’
QUEUE DR. GOOGLE!
When you google Narcissistic Personality Disorder, guess what comes up as well? Let’s all say it together: Borderline Personality Disorder. They are basically ‘sister’ disorders. As I read the symptoms, I immediately lost all feeling in my body and made an appointment with my therapist the next day.
Me: “So, I’ve diagnosed myself with something.”
Dr. “Is that so? Go on.”
Me: Tells SVU story. “So yeah, I’m 99.999% and if you round that up, it’s 100% sure I have borderline personality disorder.”
Holds breath for an onslaught of self-loathing when she says no.
Dr. “You’re right. I’ve actually been thinking that myself, so I’m glad you brought this up.”
Me: “Holy ****! At least I’m not a narcissist!” *High-fives with self*
For those of you who don’t know the symptoms of BPD, let me list them for you, (per DSM-5, so it’s legit):
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by friends and family.
- Unstable personal relationships that alternate between idealization (“I’m so in love!”) and devaluation (“I hate her”). This is also sometimes known as “splitting.”
- Distorted and unstable self-image, which affects moods, values, opinions, goals, and relationships.
- Impulsive behaviors that can have dangerous outcomes, such as excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse or reckless driving.
- Self-harming behavior including suicidal threats or attempts.
- Periods of intense depressed mood, irritability or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days.
- Chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness.
- Inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable anger—often followed by shame and guilt.
- Dissociative feelings—disconnecting from your thoughts or sense of identity or “out of body” type of feelings—and stress-related paranoid thoughts. Severe cases of stress can also lead to brief psychotic episodes.
What can cause this? Well, numerous things like having a brain that doesn’t function correctly, trauma, or simply poor genetics.
In order to be classified as a ‘Borderline,’ you must have 5 of these symptoms. Unfortunately, ya girl has all 9. However, in regards to the anger part, I am internal with my anger. As in, I turn it into self-loathing tendencies instead of taking it out on others. I’m basically the “Quiet Borderline,” more introverted.
Unfortunately, for borderlines, any and everything can be a trigger. It can cause us to react with extreme fear, push people away, frantically pull them close, have panic attacks, isolate, among many other things. And that’s why I’m writing this blog.
“The Immersive Borderline” means to immerse me in experiences as opposed to being on the outside looking in and show others with borderline how to do the same. Experience the moment, let’s not let fear get ahold of us. And let me tell you, this will be a HUGE challenge for me, so basically we can do this together.
I’ve had this disorder ‘officially’ for over a year now and I’ve learned A LOT about myself and how I interact with others. I have a passion for helping others with my disorder and we really do get a bad stigma. We aren’t manipulative humans even though we may come off that way. In reality, we really need help, or simply an outlet. This outlet can be a creative one or one to help us get away.
I’ve had a creative outlet, but now I need a different one, and that one is travel. A serious personality disorder should not confine me or anyone else to our homes. We should be free to see the world and what it has to offer.
Yes, there are serious triggers and I want to share them with you and how to cope.
We will first begin with a trip I took about 3 weeks before I was officially diagnosed: Iceland and Ireland.
Let’s get on with it, shall we?
Please always remember, your feelings are valid.